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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Overheard: Out In NYC

Back In NYC And Remembering I keep returning to New York. Ya Gotta Love This City! (The Following is Funnier When Listened to With Odessey's "You're a Native New Yorker") Just Wanna Share Some Of What I Overheard:

Prepping for Internship Drug Test

Guy: But you haven't been doing drugs?
Girl: No...Well, not really; I'm not sure what sucking off a drug addict counts for.
--Columbia University Butler Library, West 114th Street

New York Style

Manager guy: You looking for the perfect plastic bag now?
Director lady: There's nothing festive. I don't want to be seen walking with a Duane Reade (Drug Store Chain) bag. It screams beggar.
--Office, 39th between 8th & 9th

Hopes, Dreams and Opportunities for the Future?

Hipster girl #1: I mean, I feel bad for not finishing him, but I didn't want to break the tradition. He's never been finished before right?
Hipster girl #2: Never, and I think he's a little traumatized ever since that girl threw up on his...you know.
--Whole Foods, Union Square

Proof That Spontaneous Combustion is Real

Girl #1: When did you start smoking again!?
Girl #2: When I quit.
--The Boathouse, Central Park

Don't Ask Him How It's Hanging

Girl: Wow, look at all these vegetables and things.
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: This is great! We should come here all the time.
Guy: I think my testicles are falling off.
--Union Square

That Must Have Been Some Orgy at the UN

Girl: God there are so many Chinos here. I hate Chinese people.
Guy: You're so dis...What do they call it? Racist! That's not a very good attribute to have, Christina.
Girl: The only people I like are Spanish people and white people.
Guy: I hope one day someone who's black and Chinese and...80 other races all mixed together bitchslaps you in the face!
--Canal & Lafayette

He Reached Down and Proceeded to Mash Dog Crap into His Chest

Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: What?
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: No, I didn't.
Man: Yeah, you did...You dropped my heart.
Teen girl: Well, pick it up and put it back in.
--90th between Columbus & Amsterdam

Jailhouse Breakfast at Tiffany's

Teen girl: You know that dream I keep having where I kill you on Madison Avenue? I think it's coming true.
Mom: Oh look, the Chanel store!
Teen girl: Uh oh. Ugggh!
--Madison between 63rd & 64th

Where Are They Now? (A NYC Short Story)

Woman: What ever happened to Ceci?
Man: Ceci?
Woman: Yeah, Ceci. That little girl that got her fingers cut off. The pretty little crackhead with the beautiful soul.
--116th & Frederick Douglass

Smart, But Not Crazy Smart (aka Preppin' for drug test)

Teen #1: What's your practice test score now?
Teen #2: 760 math 710 verbal and 720 essay
Teen #1: What are using, Adderall or Ritalin?
Teen #2: Aderall. Ritalin is for kooks.
--Top Tier Educational Services, West 83rd Street


Playing Your Cards Right

Junkie: Hello, Ms. Ma'am! You're lookin' nice today!
Middle Class Woman: Hi
Junkie: If I had your hand I'd throw mine in!
--Fort Green

Update On Status

Junkie lady: Wow, that thing is nice, what year is it?
Yuppie guy: '06, BMW, I just got it.
Junkie lady: '06? That shit ain't even here yet. You better put that in a garage, nigga!
Yuppie guy: I don't have money for that or for you.
--Bed-Stuy

Not As Old-fashioned As Some

Girl #1: So I said I'm not sure if I'm gonna take his last name; it seems really old-fashioned.
Girl #2: What'd he say?
Girl #1: He said an engagement ring is old-fashioned, but I took that.
--Rockefeller Center

Struck Out

Tween boy: So how's the strike going?
Bus driver: If there was a strike I wouldn't be here, you moron.
--M15 bus

Too much information

Anti Abortion Speaker girl: Any questions?
Audience girl: Were you able to find out about how much women paid for the abortion procedures?
Speaker girl: About $200 a pop.
Audience Girl: Oh.
--Outside Columbia University

Life Expectancy

Guy #1: Yeah, I'm going home again next month. My parents are sort of obsessed with me because I'm an only child.
Guy #2: You're an only child? Oh man, I feel so bad for your parents. No, what I mean is they are going to be so depressed when you die.
--Columbia University

Drop Weight And Cure A Fat Lip

Girl #1: Why do I always have camel toe?
Girl #2: Are you buying your pants too tight?
Girl #1: No, I think I gained weight.
Girl #2: Where, in your labia?
--E train

Putting Your Business Out

Girl #1: Do you think my boobs look bad?
Girl #2: No, not at all.
Girl #1: But are they, like, saggy?
Girl #2: No, they look good. But if you're so worried, why don't you start wearing a bra or something?
Girl #1: God, next thing you'll tell me to wear underwear.
--Telephone Bar & Grill, 2nd Avenue

Keeping Up With What Matters

Girl #1: What do you think of Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids?
Girl #2: I don't get it, she doesn't want her kids anymore? She's just going to give them to him?
Girl #1: Man, you're an idiot.
--NYU Coles Sports & Recreation Center, Mercer and Houston Street

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