Wha's Up Miami? Chillin'?

So what has been going on Miami? Looking good, looking good. Have you been laying out, I don’t remember you so tan? Losing weight? South Beach diet right, "Just say yes"! What’s up with your boy Broward? Haven’t seen him or you... Some crazy shit I’ve been hearing 'bout you. What? Shhhit, where to start-

1. Arriola is found guilty of being a colluding, public money siphoning asshole in a court of law, and his boss Mayor Dickhead is found guilty of being a lying, sniveling, colluding sneak thief. So ruled this 23rd day of March in the year of our Lord 2006. You may all read on as this topic is adjourned…
2. In true Banana Republic style Wynton, Arriola and Dickhead were in a joint real estate venture, that would benefit by city planned improvements and zoning. In related news, Miami City Hall forms longest public official conga line…
3. Dade State's Attorney Katherine “Prostitution of Prosecution” Fernandez-Rundle has live at home 22 year old sons who are damn car thieves, drug users/sellers and repeat criminals. It’s okay, if they go to jail he can meet up with cocaine dealer/UM football alum son of Carlos Gimenez. Oh, that’s right, no one will prosecute.
4. A good person doing good things- Miamity. Kyle or can I call him “The Munz”, makes up for all of the UM students/stuff that I find abhorrent, and his latest stance regarding the UM strikers solidifies that. (Though I am increasingly ambivalent about just what a group of largely unskilled / semi-skilled workers with questionable documentation deserve.) Anyway, I owe The Munz three more shout outs.
5. There was a news story in the Sun-Sentinel that Broward landowners have been breeding horses the size of Labrador Retrievers for a tax break, one upping the Miami-Dade farmers planting rubbish and building materials in attempts to grow and harvest healthy, green tax breaks under the Florida sun. The Florida legislature recently protected both of these tax breaks for the wealthy. Indeed.
6. Luis Posada Carriles, plans to send his bombs via Fed Ex from US custody that he may or may not actually be in, if history tells us anything. Explosive parts will be supplied via the US military facilities at Fort Benning. An eventual courier will probably be a poor illegal immigrant Nicaraguan from Sweetwater, again, if history tells us anything. (What REAL Cuban freedom fighter would want to GO TO CUBA to actually do their own children killing and tourist maiming, sorry FREEDOM FIGHTING.) Hey, maybe Osama is hiding in Posada’s closet while learning bomb making tips!
7. So Herr Tony Ridder managed to lose the company his grandfather founded and his family laboringly built in one fell swoop. How do you say my grandson is a shithead in German? Some Herald folk say it couldn’t have happened to a better person. In fairness though, the San Jose Mercury, Philly Inquirer and a few other KR papers were standouts. The Herald also had its moments under KR though they seem to be receding to ancient memory.
8. OK, the local Realtor Association has went crazy. As many of you are aware of, South Florida Realtors did not release condo sales numbers, allegedly for fear that these more volatile sales statistics would skew figures. (The obvious question was why not release them separately.) Rather than releasing sales numbers they actually made an “estimate” of earlier property values, they say due to the fact that many condos are new buildings with nothing to measure against for price increases or decreases. The numbers they used in their first two condo resale figures for price increases- ten year old property value estimates.
9. BTW, folks are sick of Miami and they are leaving. Seems that many of them are Argentines. Others are homeowners.
10. Jeb's State University Board of Governors, emboldened with all the fierce independence of Paris Hilton's Chihuahua, approved medical schools for FIU and UCF, pending a half billion dollars in funding. The misnamed Modesto "Mitch" Maidique said that this day matched the university's founding in importance. You will recall that FAU has teamed with UM to build a medical school. The state also recently approved and funded the Tallahassee Quack Factory, I mean FSU Chiropractic School. I’ll also point out again the humiliation that Florida State went through in its failed attempts to gain accreditation for its first six years of operation. I honestly believe that Mitch would do a much better job. When free to make decisions he will hire the most qualified people. His choices to lead the schools of law and engineering have been solid to say the least. He caught local flak for both choices despite their obvious abilities as they were a Jewish guy and an Indian fellow, both from New York. Vish Persaud gets my thumbs up. I want to say hello to him and his great wife. I hope he is enjoying his beautiful new home in the Gables.
11. The Florida State Supreme court, led by the late Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista's *spawn, struck more blows against democracy and queers. (Don't cha just remember footage of the Li'l Killer playing with Grandpa surrounded by gun toting thugs, while his Pops was torturing teens and collecting from Havana parking meters.) Yes, these rulings safeguard the state for gerrymandering on the basis of cronyism, race, party business interest by legislators. The court also supported the legality of a state ban on Gay marriage.

So yeah, Miami, I gotta take care of this thing. Alright, you take care of yourself. Don't be such a fuckin' stranger. I'll hit you up tonight or this weekend, see wha'sup, a'righ'. Cool. Later.

(*Batista's grandson Justice Raoul Cantero was appointed by Jeb Bush to the Supreme Court despite a numerous complaints of misconduct and a history of censure by the state Bar for "Intimidation".)